We repeat what we don't repair.

Dave and I both battled addiction, codependency, divorce, emotional, physical, and sexual trauma before ever meeting. Throughout our adult lives, we both made unhealthy lifestyle choices from a place of our woundedness due to the unhealthiness of our mind and heart.  Dave had battled a 40 year porn addiction which resulted in his marriage of 20 years ending. I on the other hand was a serial marrier and runner and by the age of 42 had been divorced 3 times. We state these life facts, not because we are proud of them, or want to dig up our past, but because we have been transformed by the blood of Jesus, and love boasting of his restoring goodness, grace and mercy. He makes all things new!

When we first met at a Christian gathering, we were both on a break from dating to heal from past relationship losses and betrayals. Our friendship blossomed as we became church companions, leading to us dating around seven months later. At this time, we both believed we were ready for our new, God-centered relationship. By establishing healthy boundaries and adopting a different approach from our past relationships, We chose to abstain from sexual activity and placed God first. As we joyfully married in September 2013, we believed that by making different choices, our marriage would be perfect. However, our expectations were far from reality!

We were surprised by the drastic shift from marital bliss to disappointment, leading to feelings of anger, regret, and a desire to flee. Despite individual healing efforts, past wounds resurfaced quickly in the marriage and the atmosphere within our home resembled a seen from the movie, Jurassic park.

Dave quickly relapsed and began using porn as a way to cope with all the emotional stress, disappointment, and pain we were both experiencing. For two years I was unaware of his use of porn and when I found out, my reaction was not one of grace or love. I instead chose to react with anger and hurtful words towards Dave, unleashing 5 decades of pent-up anger I unknowingly at the time had towards men from my past. I became a hurt-mate, not a help-mate. I withheld affection, kept an emotional distance, recorded his wrongs, and justified my actions due to his actions of betrayal and secrecy. On the contrary, Dave assumed a proud stance and shifted the blame onto me, holding me responsible for his downfall and subsequent relapse. Unfortunately, these attitudes did not repair or reconcile the rift between us; rather, they widened the divide.

At that time in our marriage, neither of us realized that our actions were driven by familiarity, mirroring behaviors we had witnessed and judged our own parents and siblings for. From this place of brokenness, Our relationship started to resemble more of a warzone. It felt like we were just moving through the motions to just survive. The distance between us continued to increase, and honestly, neither of us knew how to bridge the growing gap in our hearts and between us.

BUT GOD DID!

God, as a perfectly loving Father, desired healing for us and our marriage more than we did. He showed us both love through divine correction, grace, patience, and the importance of transparency and humility over stubbornness and pride.

Both of us chose to embark on our own personal journeys of inner heart healing with Jesus, acknowledging the need for His guidance and strength to aid in our emotional and spiritual recovery. We quickly grasped the significance of honoring God through honoring each other, which included upholding our vows. Our focus shifted to pleasing God rather than proving ourselves right. Transitioning from pride to humility and from shame to grace was challenging and uncomfortable for us both, yet we persisted in obedience to God's life-giving word and the constant encouragement from His gentle voice. As we repeatedly and consistently chose and practiced grace and humility over pride and shame, the atmosphere within our hearts and home healed and the gaping gap between us began to shrink. 

After acknowledging that our pride and egos were creating a rift between us, we chose to break free from the cycle of blame and defensiveness. Instead of pointing fingers and avoiding accountability, we redirected our attention to Jesus, self-compassion, and healing our emotional scars. By nurturing our hearts and addressing toxic mind sets, we successfully restored our hearts which in time restored our marriage.

Together, we choose "US" every day. We choose to honor our vows, God and each other. We remain a safe place, communicating openly and honestly, cherishing the bond we share. Each day, we make a conscious effort to support and uplift one another, recognizing that growth and development are constant in our journey together. We understand that challenges will come our way, but we are committed to facing them together with patience, understanding, and compassion. Our love for Jesus and each other is our foundation, and with it, we create a harmonious and fulfilling marriage that continues to flourish because we stopped blaming and looked within. 

Our hearts mission is to share our journey of transformation and the tools given to us by The Holy Spirit during our healing journey of over eight years, wherever we are guided by God. We aim to educate, support, nurture, and inspire other couples to heal their hearts and uphold their marriage vows.